Modern Courtship

Pure. Pursuer of Holiness. Theologically Steadfast. Humble. Generous. Compassionate. Devoted Steward. Faithful. Wise. Spiritually Disciplined. Diligent Worker. Lover of Children. Gentle, yet Strong Leader. Sincere. Joyful. Respectful. Physically Active. Lives Life Abundantly in Christ. Values Family Relationships. Passionately Prizes and Pursues

All of the above attributes have been prayed over for years in anticipation for who the Lord would eventually bring into the lives of our children.

The hubby and I have wanted to train our children to be counter cultural in their idea of relationships from the time they were little. However, how were we to do that? How were we to teach and train our children, in age appropriate ways, that would set them along a path of purity and godliness in regard to their future relationships?

As we have sought the Lord in prayer, He has been so gracious to give us wisdom through not only His word, but through various speakers and resources at Teach Them Diligently Homeschool Conventions. We have attended various sessions regarding maintaining purity of the mind, heart, will, and emotions. The things we learned have made an impact on the conversations we have had with our children, what media we allow into our home, and how we dress and interact with those of the opposite gender. Instead of focusing on the “Happily Ever After” fairytales that so often fill the minds of children from a young age, at TTD, we found alternative stories based upon parables regarding godly character. Two of our favorite resources were The Princess and the Kiss, and The Squire and the Scroll by Jennie Bishop. We had a strong conviction that the mainstream fairytales were the beginning of awakening love before it was time, but Jennie’s stories showcased purity, parental involvement, valiant character, and not awakening love prior to marriage readiness. Another resource for the Colombian Princess was The Princess Parables.

As they have gotten to be pre-teens and teens, conversations and book studies regarding biblical manhood/womanhood, purity, modesty, and purposeful dating/courting have been intentional and opened up dialogue in such a special way. I am so grateful to the Lord for all He has done in their hearts and their desire to live a life that is pleasing to him.

As the Writer has gotten older, we have had more discussions as husband and wife, as well as with her as to what our family’s standards for purposeful dating/courtship would be. Other than my exposure to The Duggar Family and The Bates Family, I had no one in my circle who had experience with courtship. So, I will be the first to tell you that we are in no position of authority on the subject. We have a general idea of what Biblical Courtship would look like in our family, but continue to seek the Lord for His guidance along the way.

Every family is different in how they define purposeful dating/courtship. However, purposeful dating/courting is reserved for those who are seeking to find a life partner in a husband or wife. In a family that plans on facilitating courtships, young adults are encouraged to make friends of both genders, but to refrain from forming romantic relationships. In our family, we have sought to allow our children a safe place to talk with us regarding their appreciation of someone’s looks or characteristics that they deem attractive. We believe this is a normal process of growing up, and seek to teach them how to honor the Lord with their observations while seeing that person in a pure light. However, unless a young man is relatively close to supporting himself and his future spouse, he is encouraged to wait to form any romantic relationships. In regards to a young lady, she is to be nearly finished with her educational studies, and ready to become a wife and mother in the relative short term. Although courtships don’t have a standard length, it is typically understood that once the couple is engaged, they will get married within a relatively short amount of time (less than 6 months typically).

Another aspect of courtship is parental and family involvement. So often in dating relationships, red flags are missed because those involved in the relationship spend a lot of time in isolation, and are able to put their best foot forward when others aren’t around. In courtship, because the majority of time is spent in group or familial situations, those in the relationship are able to see how their significant other interacts in various settings.

Prior to the beginning of a courtship, it is common and expected for a young man to approach the young lady’s father for permission to court his daughter. When this occurs, the father typically chooses to sit down with the young man and see how suitable he would be for his daughter. Although this can be intimidating for the young man, if the father is warm and inviting, this could be a great opportunity for the growth of them both. During this meeting or series of meetings, a vast amount of information regarding the potential couple is conveyed. Due to this set-up, potential couples are guarded from emotionally intertwining hearts prior to knowing whether or not they are compatible.

What are some of the topics generally discussed? This varies family to family. For our family, the Hubby aims to be thorough but not entirely overwhelming. I have heard of some fathers putting together 45 page questionnaires for the potential suitors! For our family, important topics involve theological suitability, future goals, saving/spending patterns, familial relationships, how he addresses confrontation, role of husband and wife in a marriage, purity standards, thoughts on marrying into a family with two special needs siblings, whether or not they desire children, stance of schooling, media filtering, previous relationships, areas of necessary growth, views on substance consumption, and more.

After the thorough meeting, a father should have a good idea of whether or not the potential suitor is worthy of getting to know his daughter. The father conveys his thoughts and the information gained from the meeting with his daughter. If both the father and the daughter are in agreement regarding moving forward, the potential courter is informed and then decides whether or not to ask the young lady to officially court him.

How will the couple get to know each other? In our family, although there are many family based activities, we encourage taking walks on the street, sitting on the back porch, texting/phone calls, praying with and for one another, and double dates with couples who will hold them to their courtship boundaries and standards.

What are the physical standards? This is something else that varies family to family and even relationship to relationship. However, in most courtships, kissing and close physical affection is reserved for marriage. Some couples hold hands and hug, while others refrain from touch entirely until their wedding day. The purpose of the standards is not for legalistic practice, but for both the male and female in the relationship to remain pure in thought and deed until marriage. Although many courtships end in marriage, in the event that a courtship ends prior to marriage, those involved are able to walk away knowing they protected each other’s purity for his or her future spouse.

As we continue praying for our children and their future spouses, we look forward to seeing how the Lord will write their story.